Whose National Anthem Slaps the Hardest?

Let me ask you a question, dear reader: what do France, Canada and Radiohead have in common? That’s right, they each have their own national anthems and they SLAP!

A national anthem is an important part of a country’s presentation – you don’t want you and your people to look like a bunch of sad-ass jabronis, and there’s no easier way to seal your country’s fate than to have a weak sauce national anthem. Especially when it’s not even really a national anthem as much as it is a song about loving the monarchy *ahem*.

A real national anthem needs to inspire. A real national anthem needs to bring the fucking thunder. Fortunately, there are a number of excellent patriotic compositions out there to scratch this, admittedly, niche itch – so, with that said and done, let’s find out: whose national anthem kicks the most ass?

5. Canada

Canada achieves something the United Kingdom can only dream of achieving, and that is having a national anthem that actually celebrates the nation rather than the monarchy that still – for whatever reason – rules it. ‘O Canada’ has it all: melody, intensity and sufficient patriotic spirit. Sure, ‘God Save the Queen’ is still their royal anthem, but that’s basically the equivalent of giving the kid who dropped the egg off of his spoon five seconds into the egg and spoon race a participation award.

4. Kazakhstan

Contrary to popular belief, Kazakhstan’s national anthem doesn’t actually mention the country’s supposed reputation in exporting potassium – at least I think it doesn’t, I can’t understand a damn thing they’re saying. What I can understand however, is the dope composition and the Wikipedia page featuring translated lyrics – which are very intense and celebratory of the Kazakh people’s sacrifices to build and honour their land. Very noble.

3. Australia

This anthem is just wholesome. A brief ditty about how much Australia rocks. When you get past the surprise that the country’s anthem isn’t just an orchestral rendition of Men At Work’s ‘Land Down Under’, you can fully appreciate just how much the Australian people care for their beautiful country. It achieves the same goal Canada does as well, which is always a huge bonus.

2. France

Did you know, France’s military has won the most battles out of any other country in history? I didn’t until I started writing this. ‘La Marseillaise’ is epic and incredibly grandiose. There’s also a dope version of it in Guitar Hero 5 which has been stuck in my head for approximately 10 years. A true Anthem de Triomphe.

1. Russia

Did you know this was coming? You should have known this was coming. What else would it have been? This is the anthem that slaps the hardest and it’s undisputable. It’s majestic, glorious and magnificent. I’m not even Russian and every time I hear this masterpiece, I want to stand up pledge my allegiance to the motherland. As a teenager I played way too much Call of Duty: World at War to ever forget the work I put in to hear this banger. If you can find a better anthem than this, please also let me know where the fountain of youth and El Dorado are.

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